Dear World,

I feel as though I'm always talking to myself on these sort of blog things, because I think the only one who might read them are... Danni, are you out there? Allie, maybe? Hey. How's it going.

That's alright, though. I heard from a source named Michael Coyne that I'm always talking to myself. So it's alright.

At any rate, today is Christmas and I got the first season of The Big Bang Theory. I just watched the first disk... Oh how I love Sheldon. I love how Leonard is just as nerdy as Sheldon, but actually cares about fitting in with the world, and I love that Sheldon does not give two shits about what other people think, and he acts crazy weird and doesn't realize it or care. I guess that's supposed to be a disability or something. It's supposed to make him weird. Funny. I think it makes him absolutely positively wonderful and damn, I might be annoyed with him in real life... but get me a slightly toned down version and you have someone I would want to know forever. And probably would be rather attracted to. But probably that sort of person is not the sort of person that would be especially attracted. In general.

Wait. Scratch those "probably"'s.

Oh, nostalgia.

(Rationalization for teh emo: I'm allowed because I'm not like, uh, shouting this out over facebook as an attention seeking kid! I am an attention seeking kid, but here I can angst all I want but nobody will get too irritated with me because I don't have any base of people that will feel obliged to read it, as opposed to, say... a facebook status. Hah. Oh dear.)

Soda + Passion

I think the most interesting people are the people that are really, really interestED. Who have something they're really passionate about and genuinely think is awesome. Who think about things and aren't afraid to show that they love something that might be a little out of the ordinary.

I'm reminded of this because this video made me feel so nice.

Not everyone is interesting. It's just a fact, but anyone can show they are interested. Talk about what you love. Act on your interests.

Do it.

Where is the love?

(We're singing that a capella. It's going to be brilliant. I'm part of the trio that sings the "people killin', people dyin'... etc part after the rapping. The chorus. I'm psyched.)

I saw someone's status on facebook today that said "the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return".

Nice sentiment. Not sure I agree. Not like at my ripe old age of 16, I've had a great deal of experience with love, but from what I've experienced... "loving and being loved in return" is alright, but not the greatest thing in life by a long shot. Maybe I just don't know what the real feeling of that is like. Not to be too emo (like the person that responded to that status "mmm, too bad that hasn't happened yet for most of us"), I mean.

But really, the thing that makes me feel the best is loving unconditionally and (usually) unreciprocated. Perhaps the only person outside my family that I've really loved was absolutely, 100% unconditional and absolutely, 100% unreciprocated. That person is very far away now, and so I have been thrown into various undesireable situations... but I am being emo like I said I wouldn't and I'm digressing. Loving unconditionally, whether it's returned or not, feels wonderful in my experience. (Which again, is not that extensive, but.) People aside, I love knowledge and learning new things maybe more than anything else in the world. That's just something I give, not something that's returned.

I think maybe the greatest feeling on earth is just to love. That's all. Having that love be returned gives a reason for one to love more, maybe, so that's a plus, but it can also inspire further love that isn't as... real as it might be. Being loved in return can be awesome, I'm sure. Make sure the reaction doesn't stop. But it can also make that love... not real, maybe. Contrived. Not authentic. Something.

I don't know what I'm saying exactly, I'm not trying to make a clear rhetorical point here. I just think that the best feeling in the world is loving unconditionally.

Returned or not.

Boston! Rent, museums, and other craziness

So yesterday I got back from a whirlwind tour of (read: two day trip to) Boston, where I saw Rent, went to the Museum of Fine Arts, bought an awesome coat at Patagonia, and RAN INTO MS. EMMERICH AND MS. BAKER!

I will give the entire narrative for your reading pleasure. On Friday we (as in me and my family) left for Boston in the morning, and we got to the city around... two-ish. Once we got into the city it was a little bit confusing, because the navigation system in our car was a little bit confused and it was generally stressful trying to navigate around, but we got to our destination (which was the Museum of Fine Arts) eventually. I was afraid my brother (Michael) would be bored and therefore insufferable when we were in there, but it seems that he doesn't hate museums so much anymore, now that he has reached the ripe old age of 12.

I was a little bit disappointed because I have two favorite things to see in museums; the Impressionists and Japanese woodblock prints. The latter were being moved, I think, so we didn't get to see them. The Impressionist pieces were fantastic, though. I got into that room and saw one thing I recognized immediately; Renoir's Dance at Bougival. Two of my sending school's English teachers, Ms. Moriarty and Mr. McLean, had posters of that painting in their rooms. In 9th grade English, Ms. Moriarty would talk about that painting every other class, connecting it to our conversation somehow. I think I found it annoying at the time, because I didn't... appreciate how brilliant and fantastic she was, and also because the print of the painting looks ok, but not wonderful. In person it's a fantastic painting; the woman's dress is a lot... pinker, and you can see the colors in it (to create what you see as a white dress. :D) and it's really great.

I actually bought a poster of that painting, so I can hang it in my room at school and weep every time I see it because I have crappy English classes now. I kid, kind of, but I really do miss English at Orono. Not only was it less work, I learned a LOT more. I learned to love learning and making connections, and I learned how to really read and think about what I'm reading. None of that at MSSM. Just analysis, which seems similar on the surface, but is really... quite different. At MSSM, it's more like the teacher has some specific meaning figured out for the text we read, and we have to try to figure it out, whereas in 9th grade, we just wrote down what we noticed, or connections we made, as we read, and then had authentic discussions in class. Every class ended up having the same(-ish) discussions, getting to the heart of what we were reading and the meaning that the author intended, just like in MSSM English, but the conversations weren't contrived, and so in addition to the necessary information about the reading, we got all these wonderful tangents and information that was connected to the text in unexpected ways. I learned how to connect and think. In AP Comp I learned how to clockwatch. But I digress, I got the poster of Dance at Bougival to emulate Ms. Moriarty and Mr. McLean. Maybe one day I can be brilliant like them.

Anyway. The next day we wandered around Newbury Street a little bit, going into shops and whatnot. I bought a kickass trenchcoat at Patagonia, and went into Anthropologie... I wish I was incredibly, filthy rich so I could buy tons of things from that store. It is such a cool place and they have so much cool stuff. The store in person is even better than the website! I mean, obviously, but still, it was great.

After shopping a bit and eating lunch, we saw Rent, which was SO, SO GOOD. I love Anthony Rapp so, so, so much now, it was incredibly cool to see him in person on stage, especially because he looked and sounded exactly like he did in the movie. The stage production of Rent was a lot better than the movie, too, I think. The movie seems very plotless to me, almost like they made a movie around the songs. The songs definitely help tell the story, too, but there's too little story in the movie for my taste, or at least, it doesn't come through as much as in the play. Maybe it was that I already kind of knew the story for Rent before seeing the play, but the stage production seemed to have a much more cohesive story than the movie. The characters were better balanced, too. In the movie, I hated Mimi, especially her relationship with Roger (I thought it was kind of forced, or.. something), but in the play it was good and made sense. I also thought Maureen was really annoying in the movie, but in the play, again, though her character was the same, somehow everything was more balanced and I liked her a lot more. In fact, I liked almost all the characters more in the play, just because it was better balanced. I kind of want to get the DVD of the last Broadway production, now.

Of course, I loved Mark in the movie of Rent and I loved him in the play. My favorite character in both places, but in the play... he is so good. Have I mentioned I love Anthony Rapp?

After Rent I was pretty excited, but also looking forward to going home. It was very hot outside and we were walking back to the parking lot, down Boylston Street, when I hear a familiar voice...

"Elizabeth Coyne?!"
"MISS EMMERICH?!?!"

She was with Ms. Baker, they were in the Boston area for Mr. McCartney's wedding, and we just happened to run into them. We chatted for a little bit, I told Ms. Baker I got a 4 on the AP exam (which I was rather happy about), and we went on our merry ways. One of the most bizarre experiences of my life.

All in all, it was a SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME trip.

Harry Potter + too many classes next year.

So! I saw the midnight showing of HBP last night, and I thought it was pretty good. I haven't read the book for a while, but the way they did the movie seemed pretty good and fairly cohesive, so all in all... good deal. Luna was as adorable as ever, I love that girl. Malfoy was fantastic as well. I think I ought to listen to that book again, I've been meaning to re-listen to the audiobook versions of Harry Potter for a while. Those things are so wonderful.

In other news, next year is going to be lovely learning-wise but terrible work-wise. There are a couple of classes I'd like to take, but they're all kind of tentative and I'm not really sure which ones will work out well, what I'll be able to take, whatever.

For my own benefit, I think I'm going to write down what classes I definitely have and what classes I'd like to take... just to organize my head better. I'm definitely taking Calc BC, AP Chem, AP Bio, and American Lit. I really, really, really want to take Mathematical Modeling, and if they offer Spanish IV... that's a possibility, too. There's also the Theater construction class, which would be fun, Astronomy, which I definitely want to take at some point, and I'll certainly take drawing/watercolors again, but that's non-academic so it doesn't really count.

I should limit myself to six classes, especially with three APs. Or, rather... I will be limited to six classes at most, if they'll even let me take that many. I think Astronomy will be for senior year, but if it's a toss-up between Spanish and Theater... man, I would so rather take the Theater one. Spanish would look better, though... here's to hoping that they don't offer pre-AP. DX

So, can I handle two maths, two sciences, English, and theater, plus drawing and my literary magazine project? Only time will tell.

...But y'know, I'm pretty sure it won't be bad.

Sparks inside of me

I have listened to "Electricity" from Billy Elliot so many times in the past day. I like it a lot. I think that's the play I'd like to see when we go to NYC in the fall, though Next to Normal would be awesome, too. I'd be pleased with either.

The reason I'm posting this, though, is a meme that I saw Mr. McCartney do. I liked the idea, it's not dumb like a lot of the other ones I see around.

"The challenge is simple - write 3-5 things that make you laugh and 3-5 times you feel brimming over with life."

Things that make me laugh:
-Frezned
-People falling down/making an ass of themselves, but not getting hurt or seriously embarrassing themselves.
-Hiro Nakamura, from Heroes

Times I feel brimming over with life:
(by the way, this is my absolute favorite feeling in the world)
-When I see a really fantastic play, or read a really fantastic book, or watch a really fantastic movie, or just see something wonderful (like I'm in some new and exciting place) and I think; "I absolutely have to share this with someone, I feel like this is why I am alive, I want to be a better person, etc."
-When a person I respect a lot gives me a sincere compliment.
-When I get a letter.
-When a concept I've learned just clicks, and I get that "ohhh, I understand!" feeling. Especially if it's something that I've been struggling with for a long time, like in math. Also just the general feeling of learning awesome things or talking about ideas and really getting new understandings and making connections.
-When I finish an Ace Attorney game. I'm serious.

Turns out I don't really like "cool" music

I pride myself on listening to at least somewhat cool, indie-ish music. Of Montreal, The Decemberists, Guster, The Hush Sound, y'know. Not super un-mainstream stuff, but... it's ok as far as listening to "cool" music.

Sadly, I think that deep down in my heart of hearts, I just like pop music. I found the new Kelly Clarkson album yesterday, and I absolutely love it. I guess I just can't help myself.

Some things I would like to do

Ok. I am going to make a list of THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO OVER THE SUMMER, so at the end of summer I can look back at this list and feel bad about myself because I didn't accomplish anything from this list. Oh well.

-Learn the outlines of AP Chem and AP Bio. I think I'm pretty set for chem, what with having a solid honors chem class, but Bio... I'm worried. I actually do need to read that study book a lot.
-Learn a bunch of random things; the MIT physics videos might be good to watch. I also really would like to learn about philosophy, more in-depth. Read Atlas Shrugged, some... other things. A general philosophy book? Philosophy for dummies? That might be right about my level.
-FINISH all these books I get out of the library. Particularly the math ones.
-Do a lot of watercolors. I need to finish the one I'm doing for Danni soon, I want to do one of my camp on Cold Stream Pond, and I'd kind of like to do some for all my friend-acquaintances that graduated.
-Learn how to make videos.
-Make some videos. A general vlog is kind of boring, music videos are a lot of work, I'm not funny... what will I do? More thoughts on this later. Maybe. I'll probably forget.
-Prettify. This is so girly, but... I want to have interesting clothes and just be more attractive, which I can probably do, if I try. Lame, I know, but I want to.
-Sew some things. Maybe clothes? A wall hanging? The latter is more likely. Oh! An above-bed storage thingie.
-Draw a bit.
-Learn how to sing properly.
-Work at that chemical engineering lab.
-Be more in shape! This goes with prettify, I guess. I want to do cross country in the fall. I want to be good at it. I need to practice. You know, I could listen to physics videos while I fake-run at the rec center... How much of a nerd am I? I like it.

More, probably. So much I want to do. I never actually do anything.

There seems to have been a huge boom of Ingrid Michaelson lately; Margaret's obsessed and I bought two of her CDs today. I'm listening to The Hat right now.

Saw another movie...

It was the new Star Trek.

IT WAS AWESOME
LIKE SO AWESOME
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT
SO MUCH AWESOME
AAAAAAAASJKLCEIOUREUJNJBBNCDMNXKWQM

Yeah. Like that.
I also thought it was a little hilarious that the same kid that played Kyle Reese, from Terminator Salvation which I saw yesterday, played Chekov. Even with the accent, I recognized his voice. He's adorable. So is Spock. Scotty continues to be HILARIOUS.

What a fantastic movie. I'm a little incoherent.

EDIT: I just found out that the Chekov/Reese kid, Anton Yelchin, also played Charlie Bartlett! I knew I recognized him yesterday.

Robots, hearts, symbolism, and connections

So I just got back from seeing Terminator Salvation. I thought it was pretty good, although I've never seen any of the other Terminators, so. One thing I wasn't sure about, though, was the overarching message of the whole thing, the "what matters in being human is heart". How you can't put what makes someone human into a chip, or program it, or anything. What I thought of during the movie was actually the Tin Man (or Boq, in Wicked-verse, I suppose) from The Wizard of Oz. His whole deal was that even though he didn't have a physical heart, he was still the most kind and caring out of their whole group. So where does that leave all this heart-symbolism in books and movies?

Another thing that I just thought of was Data, from Next Generation. (Yes, I watch Star Trek. No need to make fun of me.) He's an android, he's completely programmed, a "machine"... but he's just as human as any other character on the show. I think there's an argument made at some point that more or less says that we (as in humans) are machines too, just of a different sort. And there is a whole episode called The Measure of a Man about how he has all the same rights as a person does. He doesn't have a heart, he could be one of these evil robots that are out to destroy humanity because he is an android... but he isn't. He's Data. He's awesome.

All of this stuff, it's about just what makes a person a person. What are the defining characteristics that makes us who we are? I guess it's kind of a big issue, not just in fiction but in real life; aren't so many controversial issues at least partially derived from this one? Abortion. When does a person become a person? Or something like... when it is morally okay to kill someone. What's so different about killing an animal and a person? Where is that dividing line that says "ok, now it is NOT ok to kill or enslave this being. They are a person."?

That's one of the major issues in The Measure of a Man, actually. Data is going to be pronounced "property of Starfleet", which would be deemed wrong if he were a sentient, living being - it would be slavery. So why, exactly, is he a person? He's an android, isn't he?

It's difficult. That's why I wasn't sure about the overarching message of Terminator Salvation. Basically because just because you don't have a heart, doesn't rid you of all humanity and feeling. Even though Data doesn't have emotions... he still "feels". His definition of friendship; "As I experience certain sensory input patterns my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs eventually are anticipated and even missed when absent." It's different, but the same.

So what does make us human? I'm not sure. It's just something I was thinking about.

Graduation + a complaint

Graduation was today. Mr Sid's speech was wonderful. I'm going to miss a lot of the seniors, especially since most of them were unspeakably awesome, but I wasn't really good enough friends with them to keep in touch effectively. Sad things. Maybe I'll write a lot of letters this summer..? I think maybe if I wrote letters to a bunch of people it wouldn't be as creepy as if I just was... writing letters to one person. That's a little creepy, sadly. I love letters.

Seniors I will miss a lot include: Allie Holcombe, Tony Nuzzo, Toby Hrynick, Sammy Jelin, Anh Tran, Pinky (Giang), Ryan Keating, Sarah Cropley... I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot. Class of '09 was a pretty awesome one. Here's to hoping the incoming class is also awesome, and continues the MSSM tradition of... being awesome? Yeah.

I'm definitely bringing discordianism back next year. I think this year did not have enough discord. I'm coming up with some plots over the summer. Oh! For BENFU! Yes.

(Complaint:)
I wish so much that Anthropologie was less expensive. Or that I was more rich. There is some FANTASTIC stuff at that store. Too bad it's uber-expensive. If I have any rich stalkers, buy me some stuff, ok?
The reddish one - For some reason I think this ugly yellow-greenish is the best thing ever - I would add sleeves. Oh wait, I wouldn't ever actually get anything from this place because it's SO EXPENSIVE.

(But I would look oh-so-chic...)

A song I've found

I really like it. It's called Fight Test, by The Flaming Lips, and actually my very good writing-friend Dannichu sent me some CDs and that was one of the songs on them.

I think maybe I like it because it's very interesting and bizarre musically, but it also has a lovely uncertainty-theme about it, which I love.
"And I don't know how a man decides
What's right for his own life
It's all a mystery...
'Cause I'm a man, not a boy
And there are things you can't avoid
You have to face them
When you're not prepared to face them
If I could I would"

I know posting lyrics is about the lamest thing ever, but you should go look up the song on Youtube or wherever, I swear it is the most fantastic thing.

On death and endings

"Whoever claims that it's omnipotent
is himself living proof
that it's not."
-Wislawa Szymborska
On Death, Without Exaggeration

I've been thinking about endings lately, what with the end of the year coming up and all. I kind of like the feeling they give me; the pit-of-your-stomach all knotted up feeling that's a cross between being really upset and really nervous and really excited, except a bit more passive, more mellow. Difficult one to describe, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

I'm a little bit reminded of endings also because there was a variety show last night and the chorus' last song was "For Now" from Avenue Q. I'm pretty sure that's my favorite song in the whole play, because it's a lovely, lovely ending without being too sappy, but it's also very true and a very good way to... end. "Everything in life is only for now". I must be a little strange though, because everyone else thinks it's an eh-ish song. Oh well.

I want to see that play so much. So much.

I also don't want this year to be over. It was... good. And I will miss people who are graduating. Then again, maybe next year will be good, too. I suppose I just shouldn't try to hang on too tightly. It'll all be good.

In which I will talk about nothing of consequence

This is a blog. It is new. I am writing in it.

I've started endeavors like this before, (Livejournal, etc.), but usually they don't last long. I'm rather lazy, so I don't have high hopes for this, but I do like to ramble about ideas and sometimes books and music and movies, so it seems a blog would be a good place to do that. (I will be annoying very few people. I have found that not very many people actually read blogs. Stalkers, mostly.)

Perhaps over the summer I will be bored a lot and write inane things on here that the masses can (but won't) read. I do have a couple other projects I'd like to do, though... We'll see.

There is a very large rain/thunderstorm happening outside. Torrential, even. People are running around in the rain. I'm a little bit lame and don't like to be cold and wet, so I came in, and with that I will take my leave.